i’m an asshole.
I said that to myself out loud while leaving work today. the words carried like a piece of debris caught in the stream of conciousness that I have since forgotten. the last time i thought that was when I was getting peeved at the fella in front of me at the supermart. annoyed at what must be his yammering away in a bluetooth conversation for five minutes before I realized he didn’t have an earpiece or a phone but wore a Special Olympics hat. i’m an asshole.
Sometimes i see myself through the lens of others. or what i perceive as their lens. tonight I think with guilt what a terrible son/grandson/greatnephew I am that i don’t call my family enough. a friend of mine today said I need to have a child, to pass along my intellect dispite my mackish ways, or something to that effect. Then I have a dear friend who i can always rely on who knows me more than most but still is my biggest cheerleader.
I weigh those and other opinions to get an assessment of self, throwing out the feedback from the people who I seem to confound on purpose, and compare that to my own cheat sheet of subjectivity. the process of self and definition continues.