they say you can’t miss what you never had
I looked up my biological father on the Internet the other day. The Great and Powerful Google was silent. All I know about him is his name. Which is easy to remember because his middle and last name are the same as the landlord on Three’s Company. Not Ralph Furley, but the other one, Stanley Roper. If he were to bump into me on the street his identity would escape me. I don’t even know if he is dead or alive. I understand that I was unplanned and unwanted. I also know I have many siblings on my father’s side. Including a brother a day if not hours older than me. If there was to be a movie about my life, the opening scene would be a man pacing and sweating with both his baby’s mommas in labor. or carefree and oblivious to the fact.
I also understood that he knew of me years later, so he could have made contact with me if he wanted to. I met my dayolder half brother at the age of 15. But I didn’t care to maintain a second-hand family bond. So I used to not want to know him at all, but now that I am married and may have a child, I am at a loss to tell them about their grandfather.
If I did find him, what would I do? I really don’t know. he has been a myth, an urban legend, a figment of my imagination for my entire life.
In addition, due to circumstances beyond my full comprehension, shortly after I was born I went to live with my mother’s mother and for a while, her sister. So I grew up in a non traditional family dynamic. I am now as an adult getting to know my mother and it’s very awkward. She brought me into the world and of course I really appreciate that, but we have no frames of reference to draw from to relate to each other.
I used to be envious of the families settings i would be exposed to in college when whoever I was dating invited me home for Christmas or Thanksgiving, but I know people that can’t stand their parents so I am happy with my upbringing.
All of what I know of that makes me me is environment. I turned out ok, I suppose thanks to my Grandmother, her husband Joe and my Great Aunt Inez, but there are pieces missing that i will wonder about. I know the way that my index toe leans against my big toe comes from my mother, but that’s about it.