Started writing again to try to sort myself out. I’ve stopped and started writing about this, so I may be repeating myself from other posts.

My whole life I was pretty comfortable in my little narrative, “Raised as an only child, by my grandmother and her husband, Joe.”

My Mother and I not having much of a relationship. More like the distant aunt. I would see her every 5 or 10 years, and my maternal sisters likewise. Annual Birthday and Holiday phone calls. That was cool. That’s the reality I know.

My Father, a technicality. sure he exists, I know his name. I met 1 brother, saw another. heard whisperings about others. I’m cool though. I have a “nuclear family” type setup. You don’t miss what you don’t have.

So for decades, this is my setup. I’m cool w/ it. I think. I wish at times to have the family setup like the ones I see when I spend holidays with friends or significant others. But I’m aight.

Then by chance, I find a brother who leads me to other siblings and ultimately my father. by phone anyway. He interviews me to see what type of person I am. It is strange and surreal.

“Do you drink? Do you smoke? Are you in shape?” All odd questions. I realize that I should be interrogating him. My grandmother, months before she passed, warned me about opening up a Pandora’s box. And Joe seemed to be hesitant about me going down this path but respecting my wishes. Our relationship was never a deep one, Joe and I, but since Viola’s passing it has grown stronger. Since being a Step-Parent, I have more respect for him.

As a result of my limited circle, my relationships have been mostly casual. my personality has been as an observer. a fly on the wall. This is one reason I have been so drawn to photography.

But now the game has changed.

I’m now a husband, a stepdad and a newly appointed brother, and attempting to become a biological father. I have gathered from a brother of mine that I should not wish I had a closer relationship with my father, that I am probably better off without being exposed to him. i see that we offspring all have our baggage, which are of varying sizes and types. My desire has been fulfilled as far as speaking with him, with the picture put together of him from my mother and siblings, I doubt I will know the real him. So I will cut my losses. I have no ill will towards him, as I can’t miss what I never had. Some siblings sting from his varying degrees of presence and then absence.  Some from just his presence.

I am looking forward to building relationships with my siblings, which has been very awkward at first. With some it is more awkward than others and more than half of them I have not had any contact with. It’s still a bit unsettling to realize you’re part of a set, who knew about you when you were oblivious about them. And to have people look at you and someone else and compare what features you have in common. I may be the most removed child, (who knows he is the parent, lol) so it’s a bit clinical and abstract to me, but I’m embracing it and my new identity slowly.