churchinessI went to church today, first time since Easter, I believe because something told me I needed to and woke me up bright and early this morning. God, Guilt, Grandmother – The triple G onslaught. My Grandmother called me last night, in pain over a hiatal hernia. She’d been on Nexium for a while but was recently diagnosed. I felt really bad because she called me crying. And she called to let me know that she loved me very much, and said things in the context of forgiveness or deeds past, and everything she did was out of love. She spoke like she was getting her affairs in order.

which made me feel like my mother told her about our talk. which made me feel bad because the last time i tried to talk to my grandmother about some when you say x it makes me feel y type communication techniques it turned into an argument. so i have some communication type baggage with her. and if that’s what happend, that my mother told her…I can see her taking it like we were talking about her behind her back.

I don’t want her to feel that I resent her for anything in the past. but she tends to take things to heart and I don’t see how I’ll be able to talk to her about wanting to know more about my past w/o her taking it personally. but i will do it. today.

She also gets disappointed when the constant answer is “no” to “did you go to church that day.”

So i sat in the pew. marinating in my emotional gumbo and realizing that I’m more of a needy emotional wreck than I thought. dropping in and out of the preacher’s message. he started w/ thermostats and ended up on talking about getting a key to the executive suite of a hotel one time.

I’m glad I went, though. even though I sat there and my mind was all over the place. thinking not so saintly thoughts. judging people. and He had his way of calling me on it. so i checked myself.

i’m dreading making that necessary phone call.