(edited for content)

aw man, all the seats in the back are taken.

i’m going to take that empty pew fourth row from the back, that’s not too bad.

i’m sitting on the end. if anybody asks me to slide over i’m getting up and letting them in. they be trippin coming in here late and wanting their choice of end seat.

there’s that couple from the conference.

watch somebody gonna come up in here and try it.

i’m not moving.

why is this usher standing so close to me?

why is that lady looking at me every time i look up? I hope she doesn’t think I’m looking at her.

[a lady sits down in front of me]

OMG her perfume is killing me. here go my allergies!

*sniff* man…i can’t take this. but i’m not moving.

[minutes of teary eyed noserubbing]

i’m dying here.

[another lady bullies the lady in front of me to move over]

ah, a break from the perfume.

aw man this lady is blocking my view. why doesn’t she sit right at the end?

dang she’s kinda big. is she in drag?

i’m not moving. my arm needs this arm rest. and if i move over then i’m back with the perfume.

[i stretch to the left to catch a view of the pulpit – she counters. we continue bobbing and weaving throughout the sermon]

why do i always bite the inside of my mouth chewing this gum?