it’s my intent not to make this an anti-church rant.

on Sunday at about 8:05 I walked through the doors into the sanctuary and received my program when a certain church member from the front of the church jabbed her finger at me furiously and then in the general direction of the audio system control panel. a gesture which I equated to negro, get on your jay oh bee. now.

I had no experience with the audio system control panel, and was satisfied with that arrangement. I’d been informed that blessing was given for me to run the tape ministry. Which involved operating the control panel, recording audio tapes, and dubbing DVDs. I’d been put to work in the past with the camcorder, before I suggested they go to something like a closed circuit system when they did.

Other things, like people calling me at work to ask me to fix their PC at home, made me come to the conclusion that I had been appointed as the tech go-to guy.

My problem? I’m still trying to work at coming every Sunday and sitting in the back. you know I’ve got these “not a people person” issues. I’m still auditing the whole thing. So at this time, I don’t want to run a ministry let alone be a member of one. Especially something that requires me to be there Every Sunday and twice on some. I’m not ready for that. And when I’m sitting there salty, the whole purpose for being there’s out the stained glass window.

Let me decide to join something instead of forcing me into something. Some of my churched friends (2 of them) say that it’s a way for me to bond with the members. that’s not a plus at this point.

I’d been saying (when asked), “i’ll think about it” then “I don’t think it’s a good fit” and finally I had to say after service “No. I don’t want to do it. let me just come here to learn”

There’s a catch 22 here, wanting to be anonymous but not wanting to be in a megachurch.

right now, I’m really hanging on by a thread.